The bobby socks dangled from the soot sack real square.
They hoped that old Jelly-Belly soon would be there.
The kids scooped up some nod in their Posturepedic beds,
While visions of hot rods raced through their heads.
And I quit the kitchen with a bourbon nightcap,
And had just hit the sack for a dipso type nap.
When out on the real estate there arose such a rumble,
I cut from the covers to give it a tumble.
I dashed to the glassworks like a jet propelled rabbit,
Without stopping enroute for the nicotine habit.
When what did my whiskey-dimmed eyeballs behold,
But a knocked out old Dad sitting out in the cold.
He was sporting a striped '58 station wagon,
And the back was so loaded the tailgate was draggin'.
As I bugged out the blinkers in total surprise,
He kicked down the gas bar and started to rise.
And as I was swearing off one hundred proof,
I heard his snow treads tearing slates off the roof.
Next the screech of brake shoes, the rattle of junk,
Then something clobbered the hearth with a plunk.
When the dust settled down and I could see through the gloom,
There's a weird looking cat standing there in the room.
He was wearing red knickers with white furry trim.
The boys who write Esquire would have flipped over him.
"May I be a square." I said after a pause,
"By any chance is your moniker 'Claus'?"
"You got me." he admitted, a grin on his fizz,
"But, boy, what a racket this 'Santa' deal is."
"I gotta use wheels though, instead of reindeer.
For out on the freeway they'd look kinda queer.
And the mail I get lately is really a drag,
I bet Presley's records fill half of my bag.
The kids all want zip guns or hot rods that go,
But the older boys want only Marilyn Monroe.
If I wanted to please all the dames in the land,
I'd have to keep a million Liberaces on hand.
But why am I bending your ear with this gab,
For when it's all over, you pick up the tab."
With this final remark he got out the fags,
Then lit up a Lucky and took a big drag.
Up through the smokepipe he went with a flash,
And popped out on the roof with an ear splitting crash.
He spun the ignition and poured on the fuel.
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a cool Yule."